It would appear that I walk fast when I’m angry and I talk to myself out loud.
As you can imagine I must look like a long legged troll, on a mission to mars, moving abruptly forward, when I do this. Thankfully, the distance between me and the next person on the beach is fair and the sea snails can keep my secrets. But can you imagine realising that you are doing it? I warn you… self reflection is mortifying sometimes.
I don’t know about you, but no matter what at the moment, I am trying to keep a state of positivity, despite the odds. (Boy and there are many of those for everyone and sundry, on so many levels.) I’m not so highly evolved as to maintain it, nor do I profess to have mastered this at all. Rationale and reason evaporates when you experience fury. But, there is something to be said for acknowledging an emotion. What ever it may be. Expressing it, albeit within “reason” is perhaps a thing we all work on in our lives. Be it positive or negative, the more evolved we become of our sentience, I think the better we are at being accountable to our emotions and the way they play out.
When last did you scream? Like actually go and scream to release it. Not scream at someone else, or disagree, but let out a radically loud noise from your mouth and vocal chords, so that your face goes red and your lips stretch. So much so, the sound curdles in your throat and you may even need to cough afterwards.
Last I did it, was on a farm in the Free State, about 4 years ago. It was an overcast winters day. It was cold. I was wearing white jeans, a thick woolen cream coloured jersey and my brown leather boots. My heart was broken. I stopped my car on the dirt road, got out and stared over the expansive scenery. The grasslands were part green, part dead. The sky, white. And I screamed.
I screamed all the way that it reached the horizon. Or at least it better have.
I screamed knowing that I couldn’t change the situation, knowing what it meant to fix my heart, knowing I had lost something that I couldn’t get back, knowing that the only pill for the pain was time. Knowing that an opportunity was lost.
Knowing that I had to heal.
For some of you, who may have experienced trauma in what way, shape and form… an emotion like anger or rage disrupts your sense of state, the degree of it can penetrate you to the core on any given day. While it’s just an emotion - it’s a fair one to manage, particularly in a moment. Compounded trauma can cause all kinds of states of emotion and a very deep sense of the experience of it. It gets into your cell tissue. I know because I have felt it. (I need to research this more).
I think we are in a societal state of trauma and just when we thought it was over… wave 3 has hit.
I’ve found this last year, surprisingly, quite easy to navigate emotionally and mentally overall. Granted I switched off the main stream media more than a year ago.
I believe it comes from the experience of serious trauma and in a way knowing how to manage myself, having coping skills, finding escapism and whatever else I have conjured up over the years to sooth and heal, be it an evening bath, essential oils or just keeping myself warm. Simple pleasures of self care.
But there may be merit in screaming… It could be the ideal tonic. It’s quite therapeutic and possibly underrated. While you might not have an expansive land and an endless horizon, sitting in the car or hauling out a pillow may be a good solution, as is screaming under water.
They say grief therapy is on the rise. You better believe it. Mass societal healing is required. Being consciously inclusive of the range of emotions so many are experiencing, on a daily basis, is likely wise.
So with that said… I might reach Mars eventually in my anger-puff, if anything to collect my scream that hurtled past the horizon.
Go and scream, and scream well. I dare you.
I will meet you in space.